Why I Have A Bucket List

It is a question that many have asked, followed by “you’re young.” That’s just it. I have realized that I need to live my life now and the rest of my life. I shouldn’t wait until I am 60 and realize that I spent my whole life stuffed in an office, playing chauffeur for my kids, and always pleasing other people. What about me? I get what I want too. Let me tell you a long little story behind why I have a bucket list, more than just wanting to live my life to the fullest extent.
All my life, yes-even the little 22 years that I’ve been here, I have been let down. I have been let down by so many people in my life who are supposed to be there no matter what, people who just walked out. I, obviously, have a biological father who I see maybe twice a year. Any more than twice a year…then it was a good year! I feel like I chase him around like an obsessed ex-girlfriend, trying to get him to talk to me or even respond to a text message. Then, I have a man who raised me since I was, hmm I think around 3 (?), who wasn’t around much but mainly because he was busy working all of the time to provide for all six of us-can’t really be mad about that. He did everything he could for us. I just wish I actually knew him better. He walked away, notice I say “away” and not “out”, 2 years ago and I don’t see him much anymore. He’s there when I need him though. I might talk about my (biological) dad a lot and I don’t mean it in a demeaning way. Without him and the influence he has in my life, even not always being there, is helping me become who I feel I am meant to be. Although, it would mean that much more with him, with both of my dads, by my side.
I played many sports throughout middle school and high school. The majority of the time, nobody was there to watch me. Everyone else in the stands had families with their names and numbers on their shirts. I sat outside waiting for my family to just come pick me up. By the time they realized how much it meant to me, I was a Senior in high school. I invited by paternal grandparents many times and they came once that I recall, but don’t quote me. I only remember my dad coming once to a power lifting meet, not saying he didn’t come more-but that’s all I remember and that’s what matters. There are a few others who came here and there. Neither of my dads were there the day I got married. My biological dad wasn’t there the day I graduated high school.
My point is, is that everyone in my life has let me down at one point or another-too, too many to list. Once, I was even left waiting for a family member to come pick me up and they forgot about me-I was only 9. I can’t count on schedules, routines, people, vehicles, ink pens, a job, “24 hour” lipstick, or a condom BUT I can count on myself. I am the only one who has 100% control. I realized that my life is in my hands. I am in charge of my legacy, I am in charge of my tomorrow, and I will change my life today. When I die, I want to be somebody who did something great.
I have been doubted by many people as well. They say my dreams are too big, I can’t do it because I have a family, I couldn’t leave my kids “behind”, or I’ll never have the money. This is me saying, no they’re not, yes I can, they won’t be left behind, and I will. Watch me.
My bucket list is to fill in the piece of myself that I have been missing for many, many years. I think about my dad everyday and I miss him everyday. When I say that what does that make him sound like? Dead. He’s not though, and that’s sad it sounds that way. That’s just it though. I can’t make him want to be apart of my life. I can’t make anyone in my life jump and pay attention to me, to hug me, to love me, to call me, to text me, or to do anything. I can control what I do with my life though. I have decided to fill that hole, that void, with all of my hopes and my wishes…my happiness. Why let myself drown in a hole of depression (not sadness, deep depression) and loneliness when I can fill it with a list, swim in the clouds, and float on all of my dreams coming true? My bucket list is the piece of me that I have been missing for a very long time and every item I cross off, I become whole again.
I want to be more than just a face in a crowd, more than a name on a roster, and more than an over looked obituary in the Sunday paper. By myself I can move mountains. I can be somebody. I can be someone I feel I am meant to be. How do I know? Because I am doing it right now. You can too. 

{Pilgrim On The Run}

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